BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, 14 JAN. 1918
BRACERS 19276. TL(TC). McMaster
Edited by S. Turcon. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<London>
Monday. 14.1.18.1^, 2

My Darling

I was glad of your telegram3 just come — it was horrid not having an address4 to write to.

I have been sitting thinking, thinking — to very little purpose; I am bewildered, and doubtful of everything. Your letter has gradually undermined my belief in the possibilities, till I feel I must leave the decision in your hands. I can’t struggle to keep you — I feel too weary.

The one thing clear to me is that if we are to find some way of not having troubles, I must be able to count on you at certain times unless work interferes. All our recent troubles come of your avoiding the Studio5 before Xmas. If I could count on you one night a week, I should not be always in a state of nervous uncertainty — it is that that makes me so prickly. My life must have a routine, or I can’t work. We were going to have two nights a week, but it came to the point you wouldn’t — perhaps one would be easier — but at the Studio.

I am fearfully tired — I haven’t been up to working — I have spent my days reading old letters, feeling sad — feeling as if it was time to have done with the search for happiness.

Everything I have ever said of my love to you falls short of the truth.

I gather you are quite doubtful whether to go on or not. I wore out all the force of persuasion I possess in those first letters and telegrams. Now I am numb.

At this time of year I am always unbearable. This time last year I wanted to break with you — merely because I had no capacity for happiness at the time, and could not believe I ever should have. Yet the spring brought happiness again.

O my Dear, I want you to be happy. Best have done with me — I shall only bring you misery on misery. My life is prisoned in pain, and it is hell for any one to come very close to me.

God help us all —

B.

• 1

  [document] Document 200263. Colette typed at the top “the original of this letter was lost, but the text below is an exact copy.”

• 2

  [envelope] Miss Colette O’Niel | Post Office | Ilfracombe. Pmk: LONDON. WC | 8.5 PM | 14 JAN 18

• 3

  your telegram The telegram stamped 14 January 1918 (BRACERS 107348). It told him she was moving the next day to Ilfracombe, North Devon.

• 4

  not having an address Her film shoot for The Admirable Crichton was moving from Falmouth to North Devon.

• 5

  the Studio The name given to the place that they had rented on the ground floor at 5 Fitzroy Street, Soho. For further information on it, see BRACERS 19247, n.4.