BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, 16 MAY 1921
BRACERS 19733. ALS. McMaster
Edited by S. Turcon. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

2 Sui an Po Huting1
16 May 1921

My Darling Colette, Your birthday letter2 came today — thank you for it. I mind very much your being so sad — I long to be at home because I think I could make you less sad. During the war I often had the kind of despair you have, and before that too. It is always my fundamental feeling towards life. But if one is physically vigorous the mood passes, for no reason. I am astonished, having lately almost died, to discover how much I cling to life — not special things, but just every-day things — sunshine and the scent of flowers and the sound and smell of rain. These things make me daily rejoice that I didn’t die, in a way that astounds me.

I am back in my own house, though still in bed. From my bed I see into the courtyard, which is full of roses and blossoming lemons. I am very glad to be out of hospital, though my leg still keeps me quite motionless. If I am well enough, we shall sail on July 2, via Vancouver, from Yokohama, which means leaving here about June 20. In that case we shall be home in early August. I am very homesick —

My dear one don’t be so unhappy. And remember that I love you still and that my tender thoughts are with you always.

B —

• 1

  [document] Document 200738.

• 2

  birthday letter The letter was written on 24 March (BRACERS 116446) and thus did reach BR in time for his birthday on 18 May. As a gift she enclosed Clare Sheridan’s Russian Portraits (London: J. Cape), which had just been published. She and Allen also sent a telegram (BRACERS 107503) which is stamped the day of BR’s birthday. It was received, however, in Shanghai, which is where BR had told Colette he would be before he fell ill. BR acknowledged receipt of it in his letter of 25 May 1921 (BRACERS 19734).