BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, 25 OCT. 1918
BRACERS 19379. AL. McMaster
Edited by S. Turcon. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<Abinger Common>
Friday night. 25.10.181^,2

My Heart’s Love,

I am feeling so full of love to you that it is an ache — I long to be with you — every moment I keep thinking “Oh if Colette were in my arms.” And all the time I fear you are not happy, and it is my fault, and I hate that — My dear, help me to be good to you and not cramp you in future — I long to know about your health — what the Dr. said3 and how you are — I keep hearing your voice and seeing your lovely eyes and imagining the touch of you and remembering our last night together — and wondering what has happened and how it has come about —

Lulworth4 was very wonderful — I remember particularly our first moment by the sea the first evening, and the time when we sat still the afternoon ofa the second day — and when you cried by the sea at the last moment and said we might be so much together but are not. Dear one, I want us to be together in spirit just as much as is in any way possible, and I want to discipline myself so that I don’t interfere in future with our being together, and I want us both  to remember kindness, and that without it love cannot live long. When one ceases to expect kindness, one begins to feel one’s love a slavery from which one must escape. It was the fear of that feeling, rather than simple jealousy, that made me unhappy at the end — I don’t mean the very end, when I was hardly unhappy.

Beloved, you cannot know how beautiful and wonderful your love is. It is the most precious thing that could ever possibly have come into my life, and I do not mean to throw it away by folly. It is my life, the sun of my world, the gateway into the hidden radiance — It contains all poetry, all beauty, all passion, for me — You are wonderful in your power of Love, my Dearest — I have known no love to compare to yours. I must not and will not dim your radiance, which is a thing for which I have reverence — But I do not believe you are always wise, and if I can love enough, and with enough generosity, I shall be able to help you to find wisdom, without putting you in a cage. Your decision about Mitchell,5 till I know more, makes me anxious. So far, I have only your telegram, and I keep wondering.

My own dear Love, I am yours, yours, yours, and I love you with all my strength and with all my soul.

• 1

  [document] Document 200369.

• 2

  [envelope] The Lady Constance Malleson | 44 Great Cumberland Place | London W.1. Pmk: ABINGER COMMON | 4? | OC 25 | 18

• 3

  know about your health — what the Dr. said Since Colette’s letters for this period are not extant, it is not known what illness she was suffering from at this time. Her health was improving, however.

• 4

  Lulworth BR and Colette had been together at Lulworth Cove, Dorset, from 16 to 19 October 1918.

• 5

   

  Mitchell Colonel J. Mitchell of the United States Army. For information on him, see BRACERS 19366, n.4.

Textual Notes

• a

  of The word may have been deleted.