BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, 24 OCT. 1918
BRACERS 19378. AL. McMaster
Edited by S. Turcon. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<Abinger Common>
Oct. 24. 1918. Evening.1

Beloved, my soul’s life, my heart’s Comrade,2

<Y>our telegram was given me at the P.O this evening when I went to post my letter to you — I am afraid you must be very unhappy, my dearest Dear — I do not the least know yet how it came about, or whether it was for my sake — I hate to think of your being unhappy, especially if my horrid nature is the cause. I long to do everything I possibly can to make up to you — to surround you with love a thousand times more than I have done, and to teach myself not to be so grasping in future. It makes me love you very very much more fully than ever before — I hated feeling that you were ruthless and that I had to guard myself for the sake of self-preservation — Now that I know that is not the case, all the love that is in me can flow out freely, and I will learn not to cramp your life. Forgive me, Beloved, for all the pain I have caused you. I long to be with you, and would come instantly if I thought I could be any comfort to you. If I could, telegraph and I will come. But I dare say Priscilla is best3 for you just now.

O my Love, my Love, I love you beyond all words, with all my strength and with all my soul. If I have done you an injury please please forgive me — I did not think I was, but I understood so little that I was very likely to be wrong. I do want you to be happy, Beloved, and I want all that is best to be in your life — O my Life, I long to hold you in my arms and kiss your eyes and stroke your hair and make you feel all the warmth and depth and force of my love —  Apart from you my life is nothing — all beauty and joy and tenderness are centred in you — O Beloved I am yours, yours, yours, in every fibre of my being.

• 1

  [document] Document 200368.

• 2

  heart’s Comrade For the use of this term, see BRACERS 19145, n.12.

• 3

  Priscilla is best Colette was staying with her mother, Priscilla Annesley, in London. Colette had moved from her own flat into BR’s flat just before he left prison.