BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, [16 OCT. 1917]
BRACERS 19231. ALS. McMaster. SLBR 2: #302
Edited by S. Turcon and N. Griffin. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<London>
Tuesday mg.1 ^, 2 ^, 3

My Darling

I keep on thinking about you from morning till night, and half through the night — still in a fluctuating uncertain sort of way, with undecided moods.  But I think I know now more or less what I shall come to in the end.

When I care very much, an element of possessiveness inevitably comes in.  I must get rid of all possessiveness towards you.  That means the loss of something that we have valued — I don’t yet know how much, but I will do absolutely everything I can to make it as little as possible. The chief thing it takes away is the sense of rest and peace in being with you, so that if I am to do my work I can’t be with you constantly, but only as much as will not leave me tired out.

I want to get back to writing books and doing real work. For this I must live in the country, and not entirely alone — otherwise I should grow too miserable to be able to work properly. I found accidentally that the Eliots4 don’t want to go on being always together, and that she was looking out for a place where she could live alone in the country and he would come for week-ends.5 So I suggested that, as I too wanted to live in the country, we might be less dreary if we lived in the same house. She was pleased with the idea, and no doubt it will happen. I want, for every day, reliable companionship without any deep stirring of emotion; if I don’t get it, I shan’t do any more good work. I feel this plan may hurt you, and if it does I am sorry; but if I let myself grow dependent on you, we shall have all the recent trouble over again next time, and I can’t face that, and I don’t suppose you can. So I must have a life which is not fundamentally shaken by your moods. If I once felt secure against ultimate despair, I could give you a great deal, though never again the whole of me.

I wish you could understand. I have written out what I feel on the general question6 — you might show that to Miles.7 You mustn’t be theoretical in your psychology. Possessiveness is my fundamental vice, as vanity is yours. We are none of us perfect, and we have to come to terms with our vices as best we may.

I still love you underneath.  It is shock that has made me cold for the time being.

B.

Notes

• 1

  [document] Document 200217.

• 2

  [envelope] The Lady Constance Malleson | 6 Mecklenburgh Square | W.C.1. Pmk: LONDON.W.C. | 1.15 PM | 16 OCT 17B.

• 3

  [date] The date is taken from the envelope’s postmark.

• 4

  the Eliots The poet T.S. Eliot (1888–1965) and his wife Vivienne (1888–1947). For information on them, see BRACERS 19062, n.5.

• 5

  place where she could live alone in the country and he would come for week-ends While they looked for a suitable place, Vivien stayed at Senhurst Farm near Abinger Common in Surrey — the farmer had been Frank Russell’s gardener. Tom was now working for Lloyd’s Bank in London and lecturing two nights a week in the city. He stayed in London during the week and spent the weekends at Abinger Common.

• 6

  I have written out what I feel on the general question A manuscript on possessiveness in sex relations, document 200218 (BRACERS 135148); it is treated here as a letter with the same date as the present letter.

• 7

  Miles Miles Malleson, Colette’s husband. For further information on him, see BRACERS 19046, n.4.