BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, [27 SEPT. 1917]
BRACERS 19220. ALS. McMaster. SLBR 2: #300
Edited by S. Turcon and N. Griffin. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<London>1^, 2^, 3

O my love, it is so dreadful to think of your unhappiness — and I feel you must think of me as a sort of gaoler — if there had been more time I would not have been so rough, but I was in terror and used all weapons. Now I feel it all from your point of view, which I didn’t before.  Using force is horrible — I wonder if you can really forgive me — It seemed the right thing to do for your sake, but perhaps I ought to have left you your freedom whatever the consequences might be.

Nothing but the physiological terror for you4 could have made me do as I did.

I feel no impatience now. I only want to make up to you as far as I can for your pain. I ought to have spoken more frankly sooner. You sometimes begged me to criticize you more severely but I thought it wasn’t necessary —

Dear One, don’t be cruel and ruthless — it does hurt so — The world is so full of pain, one doesn’t want to add to it — And when I feel you on the other side in the things I live for I feel so lonely and cold — I have said things that must hurt you horribly, and I think they are true, but very far from the whole truth. I do believe in you. I think you are born to live nobly, but one fights against a destiny that is full of pain. There is infinite nobility in your profile — and faces never mislead. — I have been very near a breakdown, and probably foolish — but last night I slept, so I am sane now.

I love you very deeply.5  For a moment I thought the you I had loved was dead — but it wasn’t. Goodnight.

B.

• 1

  [document] Document 200202.

• 2

  [envelope] The Lady Constance Malleson | 6 Mecklenburgh Square | W.C. 1. Pmk: LONDON W.C | 8.15 PM | 27 SEP 17?

• 3

  [date] Colette wrote “27th Sept 1917” on the letter.

• 4

  the physiological terror for you See second letter of 28 Sept. 1917 (BRACERS 19222), n.4.

• 5

  I love you very deeply. Despite receiving the damming critique of her character, “What She Is and What She Might Become” (BRACERS 120470), Colette had responded “my love does surround you unchanged” (27 Sept., BRACERS 113067).