BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, 4 MAR. 1917
BRACERS 19130. ALS. McMaster
Edited by S. Turcon. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<London?>
March 4. 1917. 11.15 p.m.1

My dearest Darling

I read your letter2 at once — got inside the bus so as to have enough light — and was well rewarded — such a dear dear little letter.

It was a very great joy to see you again — I miss you most dreadfully, and get quite mopy without you. During this time I have been realizing more every day how deeply I love you, and how terribly important you are to me. Dear one, I know that repeatedly I have given you great pain, and seemed as if all my love had dried up — and I know that as long as the war goes on I shall go on having times like that — it has made me all twisted inside — but my love is not dead at those times, it is only in prison. It has grown deeper and stronger as the months have gone by, because I have come to know you better, and to feel more and more comradeship in the things that matter. But I long for the day when one can be gay, and take the serious things for granted — but that can hardly be till the war is over.

Dearest one, I do hope you will go to Brighton3 (or if not there, to some equally bracing place), and get really set up again. I long to see you well, and to see you happy — if only I had more leisure, I could do a great deal towards making you happy — it is maddening. The moment you come home I want a time for going hunting for that watch4 with you — I have kept on thinking about it, but the free time has never come. The next thing is for you to get a job — I do hope you will when you are well.

I shall have very little freedom as long as I have to keep on the acting chairmanship,5 and that may be a long time — till next January probably. In the meantime one has to live largely on hope.

Practically the only people I see nowadays except on business are the Eliots.6 She is rather dependent on me in various ways — I took on the responsibility of her when she was in a bad way, and the responsibility remains. I have an affection for her, but almost entirely because of her dependence. My affection for both of them grows less as time goes on.

Darling, I am afraid I have made you mistrust my love for you — I feel you feel it may fade away from one day to the next — I do really think most seriously that you are quite mistaken, tho’ I don’t much wonder at your feeling that way. Forgive me for the times when I have been tiresome — my love for you is far more stable than you think — Goodnight my loved one — I send you a thousand kisses and all my heart.

B.

• 1

  [document] Document 200103.

• 2

  your letter This letter is not extant.

• 3

  Brighton  A trip to Brighton was planned if Colette’s health improved.

• 4

  that watch BR wanted to buy Colette a wristwatch as early as December 1916, but could not find the time. As late as 5 September 1917 they were to meet at Hatchett’s and go from there to look for watches. One was purchased that month as Colette wrote in July 1918 that the watch would be celebrating its first birthday when BR got out of prison.

• 5

  acting chairmanship Of the No-Conscription Fellowship.

• 6

  the Eliots T.S. Eliot (1888–1965) and his wife, Vivienne Haigh-Wood (1888–1947). For further information on them, see BRACERS 19062, n.5.