BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [28 JUNE 1913]
BRACERS 17959. ALS. Morrell papers #819, Texas. SLBR 1: #210
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by A. Duncan and K. Blackwell

Sat. mg.1^, 2

My Darling

Your little line this morning is wonderful. Your self-forgetfulness and goodness are quite marvellous. Forgive these cold words — I am utterly incapable of any feeling of any sort or kind today. Please don’t think I am hurt or angry or anything like that — I am only dead. It seems to me today that we ought to part for good, because continuing leads straight to the madhouse. Besides, a scene of such degradation as yesterday’s makes it impossible to stand spiritually upright in a person’s presence again. Would you mind if I talked about it to Mrs Whitehead?3 I want an understanding outside point of view. I wonder whether some day you would talk with her. I should like you to know that I am not all bad — that I can be unselfish, and understanding, and sympathetic, where my madness doesn’t come in.a — I know you must be very unhappy. But it is cold abstract knowledge. I am not either happy or unhappy in the slightest degree. I suppose what is happening is tragic, but I don’t feel it so.

Yesterday you thought I should make a mistake in parting from you, and you thought I was only hurt when I said the opposite. I am not hurt today, but full of clear vision. It seems to me all but certain that to save my reason I must part from you. Don’t imagine I say this in anger, or that I shall plunge into reckless immorality. I only want to live quietly and work. It is not anger, but dedication, that prompts me. I have no anger. I think always you have been divinely patient and gentle. And I really don’t now underestimate your love. We love each other, but neither gives the sort of love the other wants. Some time back, when I said I would win you, I decided to keep silence about my unhappiness, and to lie to you. I thought if in that way storms could be avoided I should in time become as happy as I said I was, and all would be well. But instinct is too strong for me. However I behave, nothing but insanity lies ahead of me if we go on. I haven’t felt you the least cold lately — that is why I feel it is hopeless.

I’m afraid I can’t make a letter reach you tomorrow. I will write tomorrow to Bedford Square. I come back here tomorrow. If you permit my talking to Mrs W. I will try to see her Monday or Tuesday. Forgive this dreadful letter. Nothing lives in me today except the fear of madness.

Your
B

• 1

  [document] Document 000819. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “819”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | Black Hall | Oxford. Pmk: LONDON.W.C. | 11.15 AM | 28 JUN 27 3D

• 3

  Would you mind if I talked about it to Mrs Whitehead? Ottoline replied in her letter dated by BR 29 June 1913 (BRACERS 114146).

Textual Notes

• a

  come in. Followed by an obliterated sentence.