BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [31 DEC. 1911]
BRACERS 17394. ALS. Morrell papers #305, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell et al.

Shiffolds [I leave here tomorrow and go back to my flat]1^, 2
Sunday. 

My Dearest Dearest Love

I am very sorry indeed that my letter was depressing — it shows how inadequate letters are because inwardly I had got through the depressing part and there was no need for any depression. I am ashamed of having written so badly. It really really is all right now on my side. Now it is on yours that things must be put straight. I should never for instance bring up a child of mine without the spiritual side — I should emphasize it just as much as you would, only I should not associate it with Xtian dogma. Emphasis on the spiritual has really nothing to do with Xtian or unXtian. Many Xtians are grossly materialistic even in their conceptions of heaven. The common notion that a future life is needed to bring about justice is really materialistic in its basis — it is because a good life doesn’t seem the greatest good. But please please don’t think of me as an enemy to the spiritual. That is really a misconception. If I were to say there is no good poetry written now-a-days, you would not infer that I was an enemy to poetry. So if I say I know of no spiritual force outside Man, I am not on that account an enemy of spiritual things. But what I am an enemy of is the notion that people can’t stand upright by their own strength, without belief in outside allies or helpers. I feel as if you were teaching Julian to be unable to walk without crutches, and you feel as if I didn’t want her to walk at all.

I think some letter of mine has gone astray. Did you get the one saying I agreed with practically the whole of your confession of faith?

Darling I am not alone and it is very hard to write. But I can’t bear to think of your being unhappy, and really without cause now. My feeling about the whole matter is now perfectly easy. I see that we can share intellectual things perfectly, that you are utterly truthful, that our differences are much smaller than we both thought or than you still think. Please have courage in telling me when you don’t agree with things I say or write, and when you don’t understand. I have sometimes been puzzled by your agreeing with things I expected you to disagree with. But really and truly you have something of incalculable importance to give me — something which, if I can take it simply, will transform me and my work. I shall be gentler, freer, more inspired, less afraid of things I tend to repress unduly, far more able to speak simply to simple people. The thing that has resisted you is just the obstacle that has hampered my writing. You are wrong in thinking a more intellectual or argumentative person would do better. That is not so, because I should be left in my mental habits. — If we could have met yesterday one moment would have shown you it was all right. Dearest, you will see on Tuesday that things are much better on my side than ever before. It will have drawn us closer and have made our union better and truer and deeper and of more value. I say this soberly and I feel it so; it is utter truth. Be happy about it Darling, it really is better than ever before.

I am very sorry you have other troubles at the same time. P. and J. and your mother-in-law and your eyes and your illness. It is dreadful — oh dear I wish you could feel all the strength of my love and sympathy, living with you in all you suffer, even when it comes through me.

I am here till tomorrow — I lunch in my flat, I think I go to the Phillimore’s to tea, I have the Aristotelian Soc. in the evening, and I sleep in my flat. Darling do reckon on all being right between us, for it really is.

Mrs Bob made the most disconcerting comment on my absence of moustache that I have yet encountered. She said it made me look like Philip! Bob rightly protested that she was flattering me.

It is lucky I sent you an envelope. The whole post was handed to Mrs Bob while we were at breakfast, and she distributed it.

I had to think things through, but there is nothing to worry about in that. You see my mind is in layers. In the deepest layer, which comes up when I am most stirred, you and I agree completely. The argumentative layer is next; I have had to break up the crust between them, which was a good thing to do. You didn’t realize the black spot because it vanished when I was with you — I couldn’t believe it when I saw you. The other day, another hour with you would have made me feel again that my fears were wrong. But sooner or later I had to repeat what I had feared away from you. Darling I feel united with you as never before, and I have absolute faith in our future. There was a chasm, but I feel it is bridged. It wants some adaptation on both sides, which is of course difficult for both; but I know we can both make the adaptation and we shall both be the better for it. The more you venture in the way of saying what you feel the easier it is. You would not believe the relief it has been to me having your letter written in the train. When you don’t express your beliefs I imagine things; but when you do, I respect them and almost entirely agree with them. There is no safety in reticence.

Goodbye my Beloved. Do be happy about the future — it will be all right. I do love you and reverence you with all my soul.

Your
B

This letter does not somehow say what I feel — it seems cold but I am not — I love you Darling absolutely and with my whole heart and mind.

• 1

  [document] Document 000305. Proofread against a b&w scan of the original microfilm.

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  [envelope] A circled “305”.