BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [16 OCT. 1911]
BRACERS 17307. ALS. Morrell papers #221, Texas. SLBR 1: #178
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by K. Blackwell and A. Duncan

<letterhead>
Trinity College,
Cambridge.1^, 2
Monday aftn.

My Darling Darling

Two dear letters have come from you, one written in the train and on arriving, and one yesterday — they are such a joy. Of course I understand that you can’t come for long at first. It was stupid of me not to have thought of it. If you get home Friday night I will come up Sat. morning (as early as you think worth while) and engage a sitting room at the hotel at the top of Tottenham Court Road (new, the Grafton I think). You can then ask for me simply. That will be nicer than Bedford Square — if you think it a good plan. We can do the same Monday. Tuesday I can stay the night in town. Oh dear I do long for you. It is awful — I didn’t get to sleep till after 3 last night — as soon as I stopped reading I got wide awake thinking of you — as the time grows short one’s patience oozes out. — I am interested about the Lausanne Dr.3 I hope you will go back at Xmas or sooner and really get good from him. He sounds thorough. — I have had a blow: Alys and Logan are coming to Chelsea after Xmas, so I must give up that neighbourhood.4 Where shall I go? I might go to Kensington, or to Gray’s Inn (which would be nearer you). If you have views, do let me know at once, as I want to settle on a place.

This morning I went to hear Moore lecture5 — he was extraordinarily good — very clear, caring passionately about the subject, obviously feeling it quite overwhelmingly important to get at the truth, thinking so hard that whenever he came to a stop he was panting — only just enough aware of his audience to keep him talking, otherwise absorbed in his topics. He had a good class — 20 people. My first lecture is 5.30 today. Maurice6 and I lunched with the Fletchers7 and I came away early in order to find your letter and have time to answer it before the post goes. He is nice and I am very fond of him, but I shall be glad when he goes. His talk is incessant and he interferes with work — besides I have to see so many people that it gets a burden.

I am very very much interested in what you write about God. I think, like most believers, you greatly overestimate what your belief in God does for you — I know I did when I believed. You would find quite as much infinity in the world without him. I have realized that hitherto you are quite unshaken, because your belief is not based on reason and therefore can’t be attacked by reason. If I could make you feel that unbelief is nobler I should begin to have hope. — Yes, Lucy Silcox is a Christian. You would like her very much. I wish you knew her — can’t you get Miss Stawell8 to bring her? But intellectually she doesn’t count — I mean her reasoning power is nil. I think if she knew you even a little she would guess the truth. Personally I shouldn’t mind, and should even be glad if she knew; but it is a point to be taken into consideration.

Tolstoy is wonderful9 — he helped to keep me awake. I can’t read of people renouncing the world without a feeling that that is right. Intellectual things seem thin and inhuman — besides, they are aristocratic, only the few can get the good of them. I often long to be simple and good, never say a clever thing again, never bother about subtle points, but give up my life to love of my neighbour. This is really a temptation — but it is Satan in an angelic form. I feel so intimately every twist and turn in Tolstoy’s struggles after Simplicity — and all his troubles with his wife and friends. I can’t feel for one moment that he would have done better to go on writing novels. It all excites me — his renunciation attracts me with the same kind of power as one might feel with ordinary gross temptations. I often think I shall end by something of that kind. The intellectual life is hardly enough to make one a decent citizen.

I gather from the Daily News that it was a mistake about Miss Malecka.10 I haven’t heard again from Mrs Murray. I told her I thought she oughtn’t to believe the Consul.

Darling Love it is bitterly disappointing about your headaches — I mind very much, but I shall hope your Lausanne man will do wonders. My Beloved, your letters are such a joy — I hardly know which I singled out to like — they are wonderful — but it was one in answer to one of mine about your being depressed in Vienna.

O my heart I love you I love you. I long for you my Ottoline, more than you can imagine — Goodbye my Dearest Life.

Your
B

• 1

  [document] Document 000221. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “221”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | Hotel des Saints Pères | Rue des Saints Pères | Paris | France. Pmk: CAMBRIDGE | 4.30 PM | OC 16 | 11 | 4

• 3

  Lausanne Dr. This was a Dr Combe, a specialist in neuralgia.

• 4

  so I must give up that neighbourhood BR was still looking for a flat in London at which they could meet without fear of discovery. Towards the end of October he finally took one in Russell Chambers, Bury Street, in Bloomsbury near the British Museum.

• 5

  Moore lecture Moore had returned to Cambridge as a lecturer in 1911. Owing to the wide range of subjects included among the Moral Sciences at Cambridge and the teaching needs of the University, Moore’s lectures were (rather surprisingly) on psychology.

• 6

  Maurice Maurice Amos.

• 7

  Fletchers Walter Morley Fletcher (1873–1933), a physiologist then lecturer in natural sciences at Trinity, and his wife, Mary.

• 8

  Miss Stawell Melian Stawell, a classicist at Newnham.

• 9

  Tolstoy is wonderful BR was reading the second volume of Aylmer Maude’s biography (1908–10).

• 10

  Miss Malecka Miss Malecka was an Englishwoman, a friend of Melian Stawell’s, who was being held in Warsaw by the Russian government on a charge of revolutionary treason. The Daily News reported on 16 October that bail had been refused, though the British Consul in St Petersburg said it had been set for £2,000. Russell’s friend C.P. Sanger had guaranteed the whole sum himself and then set up a fund to raise the money. On 24 October the money reached St Petersburg and Malecka was freed and returned home. It is not known how Mary Murray was involved.