BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [25 MAY 1911]
BRACERS 17156. ALS. Morrell papers #83, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell et al.

<letterhead>
Trinity College,
Cambridge.1^, 2
Thursday night.

My Dearest Life

I was glad to get your letter just now. I am sorry you are so tired and your head is bad. I am very tired too — and finding it hard to get sordid things out of my mind. Logan’s letter is un-thought-out and absurd. How does he suppose Alys can get free without involving you? Yet he seems anxious not to involve you. I think when they have both had time to think they will settle down. How absurd to say I believe in freedom in sexual matters — I neither believe in it nor have practised it. But of course Logan can’t understand. I rather think it may be as well that some day you should tell me all he said against me — no doubt it was partly true, and also I might be glad to know — but that is as you wish.

Dearest, they can’t invade our trust and love — nothing could ever do that. It is built on the rock, and can stand against them all. There is nothing false or brittle — nothing that has to be forgotten — it is all real, real. I know that what we love in each other is what we both must love as soon as we know it — I do not think the fact that I am a better person with you than without you (which is all Logan can prove) is likely to make you give me up. I think you ought to see Logan again. I shall be glad if Philip sees him. Logan must be made to see that you must be involved in any formal separation, because he wants to protect you. I hope Philip won’t be persuaded that I am a scoundrel. It might make him view the matter differently. Alys, of course, wants to ruin you. When she said she wanted freedom, I tried to put your side, and even asked her if she would be equally willing to use sham evidence not involving you — but that had no attractions; if you were not brought in, she saw no point in a divorce. I rather think it would be good if I saw Logan. If you see him at Newington, and if you agree with me, you might tell him I should be glad to see him. I have a feeling — perhaps foolish — that he would no longer think me so wicked if he saw me. I am sure it would do no good for you to see Alys. Tomorrow morning I will write to Newington and return Logan’s letter.

Today after coaching Karin I went to Grantchester (a neighbouring village) to tea with Jacques Raverat who is to marry Gwen Darwin. He has immense charm, but like all people who have superficial and obvious charm, I think he is weak and has no firm purpose. He is staying with Rupert Brooke whom I dislike. I find there Keynes and Miss Olivier (daughter of Jamaica Olivier) and Olwyn Ward, daughter of Prof. James Ward. Young people now-a- days are odd — Xtian names and great familiarity, rendered easy by a complete freedom from passion on the side of the men. They were talking about Eugenics. Keynes said he had made inquiries and found that 11 out of 12 of his friends has feeble-minded relations — I wonder if family feeling didn’t come into their answers.

Then I worked for a bit, and then dined at the Union because there is a feast at Trinity, which bores me. Now my young men will be coming soon.

Don’t trouble to write when you are busy — I know it is all right. Just the sight of your handwriting, even if there is nothing more, is a comfort tho’.

I am quite sure Alys and Logan won’t want to injure us when they have thought it over. Logan’s letter to you is incoherent because he has half come round to your view. And I am glad he is still so affectionate to you.

I cannot find anything to read that fits my mood exactly. I want something with a slow solemn splendour — like Bach — but in literature there is very little of the right sort. I want long stately rhythms,a like an Atlantic swell. I feel the rhythm I want — if I want it much longer, it will produce itself somehow. It is always first a rhythm I want — rhythm gives the emotion more than anything else. If I could produce it you would know my mood — Goodbye my heart — You are more to me these days than ever before — but I cannot find the words. It is very deep and rather dumb as yet — but it fills all my thoughts.

Yours with utter devotion.
B.

• 1

  [document] Document 000083. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “83”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | chez von Anrep | 65 Boulevard Arago | Paris | France. Pmk: CAMBRIDGE | PM | MY 25 | 11 | 2

Textual Notes

• a

  rhythms repeatedly misspelt rythms