BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [10 APR. 1911]
BRACERS 17085. ALS. Morrell papers #25B, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell and A.G. Bone

In the train <to Fernhurst>1
Monday evening.

My Dearest

I am very sorry indeed that you are ill, and glad I decided not to come — you wouldn’t have enjoyed it if you are feeling sick and wretched. I do hope you will soon be better. Why should you imagine I should think you a “wretched poor creature”? I believe people with really good health are never nice. My health is invariably perfect.

Mrs W. and I agreed perfectly about Alys — I really think Alys means now to act well. It is a dreadful thing to cause so much pain. I am oppressed by the thought of all the pain I have caused in the course of my life, and by the foreboding that I shall cause more. Dearest, I do most earnestly hope I shall not cause pain to you, beyond what the situation must involve. But sometimes I think I am fated to cause misery — the feeling is oppressive — the trouble is in the suddenness of my feelings, and the way I act upon them in a moment. But for your firmness, I might have done incalculable damage to you and P. and Julian — all this is obvious to me now, but at the moment I felt utterly reckless as the suppressed ego rebelled and clamoured for its desires. You are quite wonderful in the way you smooth out my wrinkles and make things seem as tho’ I were really worthy of your love. And although you don’t yet know me thoroughly, I feel that you would still love me if you did. I have always received more affection than I deserved, and your love above all fills me with humility. I feel so strongly that I have done nothing worthy of it. You will get tired of my saying this, but I feel it so strongly that I must say it. It is all incomprehensible to me. O my Beloved, I will be worthy of your love. My best is worthy of you, but I am complex, full of diverse motives, and changes of mood — reasonable and unselfish for long times, and then suddenly quite the reverse. When I am feeling strongly, I grow simple, but that is more or less deceptive. Then I have times of utter absence of all feeling, and at such times I grow cynical. All these things make me a trying person, but I don’t know how to deal with any of them without insincerity.

Well now I have written it all out, and I feel better. I hope you won’t feel worse. I don’t believe you will. You will smile with the knowledge that you can make it all right, and that the sum of the whole matter is that I wish I were with you. That is really what it comes to.

You got “ecstatic” quite right at the second attempt.

I find both from Arthur Dakyns and from Karin that I can be more useful to people than the last few years — they talk to me with more confidence of sympathy and understanding.

I am very glad of this. I get to know people well rather quickly, and I care very much about being able to help them.

Now I must stop and post this. O my Darling, I long for you, your love and your calm and your wisdom — I have but little wisdom, for all my fine talk. Goodbye, Goodbye, Beloved.

B.

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  [document] Document 000025B. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.