BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [28 MAR. 1911]
BRACERS 17061. ALS. Morrell papers #7, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell and A.G. Bone

Van Bridge
Fernhurst
Tuesday morning1^,2

My Dearest

Your letter has come and I have only time for a few lines before the post. I will write more by the next post. I will see you again, as I told you, but I would rather wait a little while, unless the only chance of seeing you alone in the country would be to come quite soon. I don’t want to go when Philip is there, if it can be helped.

I don’t know what will happen or what I shall feel. I don’t care twopencea about keeping to what I said for its own sake, but if you continue to sleep with Philip and I don’t break with you, I shall hate him, probably more and more as time goes on, till it becomes almost madness. I don’t demand that you should not stay in the same house.

I am an impatient person, but I am willing to give you time and I feel that, on your side, it is only fair that we should meet again, and even meet fairly often, before you decide on such a step as leaving him. If I thought there was a chance that time would bring you to leave him, I would try it. But what withholds me is knowledge of my own weakness. If I once have the habit of your love, I shall become unable to break, and shall be your slave. I don’t want this, any more than I want you to be mine. Of course if my feelings acquiesced in the plan you want it would be all right, but if I accept it, loathing it, which is what I dread, you can see that it would break my spirit. Perhaps I may see differently in time. Let me know all dates when you would be alone in the country. I feel that not to possess you wholly once is beyond my strength — so the occasion should be made. And I feel that after that we could think more calmly. — I have told Alys who took it very well. Don’t bother about the Whiteheads; but you are wrong, she has always greatly admired you; also, as I shall certainly always remain very close friends with both of them, it will be a pity if you dislike them.

Goodbye Dearest. I can’t really think till I am less tired. Just now I am utterly miserable. It seems you or I must be ruined — perhaps both. I want you to understand that I do not and shall not be vexed with you for deciding against me, and that my wish is to leave you free, however much at moments I may try to interfere. I respect your strength of will; I approve equality, and am glad to get it, tho’ instinct makes me try to dominate.

I must stop now. I love you with all my heart and soul, but I begin to fear you too.

B.

• 1

  [document] Document 000007. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “7”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | 44 Bedford Square | London W.C. Pmk: Fernhurst | AM | MR 28 | 11

Textual Notes

• a

  twopence] written over  twoppence