BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, [24 AUG. 1917]
BRACERS 19198. ALS. McMaster
Edited by S. Turcon. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<London>
Friday.1^, 2^, 3

My dearest Darling

I was very glad to get your letter4 this morning, but I am sorry for what you say about Miles.5 I really honestly don’t think you need have any bad conscience about him. You and he both believe in freedom, and started on that basis — One must stick to what one really believes in.  When one puts it in terms of human happiness, it is quite clear I think. Miles is still young, and will easily come to care for some one else if he ceases to hope to win you back. I don’t think he has a tragic nature, of the kind that would be broken by failure with you. I still think, as I did that time we talked in the Park,6 that unless you follow Love freely wherever it leads you, the life will go out of you, and all that you have it in you to be and to do will fail. I don’t for a moment suppose that you will go on for ever caring for me, but while you do, you ought to act on your feeling — As for me, I don’t suppose you will believe me, but my hold on life depends on you absolutely. I am nearing the end of my powers, but I have not come to the end yet — During the next few years, I can and will (with your help) put the crown on my philosophical work, and leave behind much more finished things than I have achieved yet — After that, I shall have come to the end of my rôle, and can retire without feeling a deserter. Your love takes away from me the weariness of life which is always lying in wait for me. When it holds me, it wears me out, so that I have not the energy for good work. But when you drive it away, I become capable of great things.

The actual practical question is whether I can come to the Attic.7 If not, we must take a room somewhere to go to. I simply cannot bring myself to contemplate the winter without being very often with you, my Beloved — Every moment away from you the joy ebbs out, and the awful weariness creeps closer — But when I am with you, I am filled full with joy of life, and everything becomes worth while. I do quite honestly believe my need of you is greater than Miles’s, though I feel a selfish beast in saying so. But there is all the difference between a person whose spring of life is still fresh and a person worn down by a long fight. I have found you at last, after all these years of seeking — and you are the home of my restless spirit — my refuge and my hope and all my joy — Dearest, Dearest, you do not know the hundredth part of the wonder that your love is to me — Yes, I remember Orleton Common8 — I shall remember it as long as I live.

As to immediate plans: do you come back 30th or 31st? We have Nat. Com.9 31st and 1st — not much to do — it will probably end fairly early on the 1st — I could be with you the night of the 30th or the 1st, not the 31st. I could go away with you Sunday if you cared to — Glad you have read “Heart of Darkness”.10 Kurtz was a man named Klein whom Conrad11 met out there.

Goodbye my dearest loved one, my soul’s joy — I cannot tell you how I long for you — every moment —

B

• 1

  [document] Document 200178.

• 2

  [envelope] The Lady Constance Malleson | Hawse End | Keswick | Cumberland. Pmk: LONDON.W.C | 3.10 PM | AUG 24 17B

• 3

  [date] The date is taken from the postmark on the envelope.

• 4

  your letter Her letter of 23 August 1917 (BRACERS 113048).

• 5

  what you say about Miles Miles Malleson, Colette’s husband. For further information on him, see BRACERS 19046, n.4. In her letter, Colette wrote that Miles was unhappy because “he is now minding that he is not the central person” in her life. He has also decided that he would like to have children while she would not.

• 6

  in the Park He may be referring to their day in Richmond Park on 24 October 1916.

• 7

  the Attic This would be the new attic, 6 Mecklenburgh Sq.; Colette and Miles had moved from their previous attic at 43 Bernard Street in June.

• 8

  Orleton Common Near Ashford Carbonel, Shropshire, where they spent their idyllic 1917 summer holiday. They were there during a beautiful sunset (BRACERS 113045).

• 9

  Nat. Com. Of the No-Conscription Fellowship; BR was acting chair.

• 10

  “Heart of Darkness” This story is contained in Youth: a Narrative and Two Other Stories (London: Dent, 1923; Russell Library 0631).

• 11

  Conrad Joseph Conrad (1857–1924), the novelist. BR named both his sons after him (John Conrad, born 1921 and Conrad Sebastian Robert, born 1937). BR, who first met Conrad in 1913, admired him immensely.