BR TO ALYS RUSSELL, 28 OCT. 1894
BRACERS 20949. ALS. McMaster. SLBR 1: #55
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by A. Duncan and K. Blackwell

Paris.1^, 2
Sunday Oct. 28 ’94
3 p.m.

My Beloved Alys

Thy letters on Friday were not horrid, quite the reverse — and if they had been, I should have known it was only because you were ill. [Odd I should have written you: it was because I was thinking of the awful Friday, when Marsh came round to inquire about thy pretended illness, and I was imagining his words]. But certainly thy letter this morning was nicer — it is good news about Mariechen — it has made me quite happy all day. Now that the worst time is over, I have grown ashamed of having so foolishly given way to depression — it occurs to me that anyone with a really strong will would not have done so. But it is a blessing that “things as the worst are ready to amend”3 — my loneliness is so much amended that I can feel quite happy. My visit to Edith and Bryson had a a wonderful effect — I was beginning to despair of goodness and feel the whole world sordid and vile, and myself along with it. The inspiration even enabled me to get on with my paper on Space, and write several fairly good pages, embodying an entirely original and very bold idea,4 which I got during the month at F’s H5 one day when thee was in town. It is so bold that it almost terrifies me — I shall be interested to see what they think of it at Cambridge. — This afternoon my thoughts are oppressed by my letters to my G.m.6 and Aunt — I have sent thee the drafts.7 My courage all but failed me at the last moment, but I put it through and have now sent off thee letters. My Aunt at least will see them. The one to her is stronger than it would have been but for my G.m.’s illness, because I think that will keep her from worrying my G.m. too much about it. They will never give the promise I ask, so we will either go together and not have each other alone, or else not go at all. It is terrible how it still excites me to write such letters — my hand shakes and my heart beats wildly and my knees tremble — it is really absurd, and I can’t make out why the excitement should be so intense. — I have not written to the Davies’s yet and I don’t know if they’re in town. Couldn’t I dine with Mariechen, unless thee’s going to be at 44 and she’s going to dine there. Graham8 comes back on Nov. 1 so from that evening onwards my address will be Hotel Vouillemont, Rue Boissy d’Anglas, which is close to the Embassy. I don’t think M.9 need be afraid of “compromising” herself — under the circumstances that would be difficult. I remember before Margo’s engagement was announced her sister Ly. Ribblesdale came down to Richmond one Sunday with Asquith, and the only remark made by a lot of Londoners who were there was that that proved Asquith and Margo really were engaged.10 But I’m glad I shall be in a Hotel; that will leave me more independence. I shall have a sitting-room, where I can give M. tea. I see nothing of the Embassy people now except during the work and at déjeuner: not even at déjeuner if there is any reason for me to go elsewhere. I lunched again yesterday with Col. and Mrs. Talbot11 — she’s pleasant, and a friend of my A.A.12 as I told thee before. I think she liked me though I’m not sure. — It is lovely to think I shall have no more solitude after Friday. I will write and ask Edith and Bryson to dine with me at a Café on Wed. or Thurs. Where shall I take them and what does thee suppose they could be induced to eat? Even Foyot’s would I fear be too smart for Edith. — I remember well thy request at Reigate13 — I was rather shocked by it, because it seemed to me just as unfair as the present law. If we had had children I believe I should have been just as fond of them, as thee, after they ceased to be babies, and almost better able to enter into their feelings. There’s conceit! But they would have been an awful trial, for they’d have been sure not to be satisfactory. — It is lovely to have thee say I satisfy all thy needs now — I only hope there will never come a time when thee will feel the need of children. I can scarcely dare to hope thee will always find me enough to satisfy thy need of loving. But I am sure I shall never cease to cling to thee and depend upon thee for all my happiness — I can’t get on with this letter for thinking the same old thoughts about thee — how absolutely I love thee and am absorbed in thee and how thee is all my Life and Strength. No other thoughts will come as I have nothing more to write — I am glad thee liked the bit from “Epipsychidion”:14 it is a perfect expression of the inexpressible isn’t it? Fare thee well my best-Beloved my dearest Joy.

Thine absolutely and eternally,
Bertie —

• 1

  [document] Document 055123.

• 2

  [envelope]

• 3

  “things as the worst are ready to amend” Longfellow: “Things have been mended that were worse, / And the worse, the nearer they are to mend” (Tales of a Wayside Inn, “The Baron of St Castline", ll. 264–5).

• 4

  my paper on Space … very bold idea This was the paper on “Geometrical Axioms” which Sanger read to the Moral Sciences Club in Russell’s absence. The paper, and the very bold idea, are lost.

• 5

  F’s H Friday’s Hill.

• 6

  G.m. Grandmother.

• 7

  my thoughts are oppressed … I have sent thee the drafts Bertie and Alys had been summoned to an audience at Pembroke Lodge at the end of their separation. Alys had refused to go alone and Bertie had written demanding that they promise not to be unpleasant to her if she did.

• 8

  Graham R.W. Graham, an attaché at the embassy. Russell had occupied his lodgings while he had been away. Russell was not allowed to take his weekend in Cambridge until Graham had returned to the embassy.

• 9

  M. Mariechen.

• 10

  Asquith and Margo really were engaged “Margo” was Margot Tennant, the sixth daughter of Sir Charles Tennant, a Scottish industrialist. She married Herbert Asquith, then Home Secretary later to be Prime Minister, in 1894. Her sister, Charlotte, had married the fourth Baron Ribblesdale, Lord John Russell’s stepson, in 1877.

• 11

  Col. and Mrs. Talbot Col. Reginald Talbot, the military attaché at the embassy.

• 12

  A.A. Aunt Agatha.

• 13

  thy request at Reigate At the time when they still expected to have children, Alys had asked Russell to sign an agreement waiving legal rights in their offspring.

• 14

  “Epipsychidion” Russell had quoted lines 560–72 in his letter of 25 October. The passage begins: “And we will talk, until thought’s melody / Become too sweet for utterance”.