BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, [17 NOV. 1919]
BRACERS 19582. ALS. McMaster. SLBR 2: #331
Edited by S. Turcon and N. Griffin. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<Letterhead>
70, Overstrand Mansions,
Prince of Wales Road,
Battersea.,1^, 2
Monday night3

My Heart’s Love

It was dreadful to see you so unhappy,4 and not knowing what was the matter made it a thousand times worse. I have been racking my brains to try to guess what it is, and the most probable thing seems another operation like the one before Lynton.5 If it is that, do please let me know. The only other thing I can think of is that some one you dislike offers you jobs if you will live with him. Dear Heart, it does hurt when you keep your troubles to yourself.6 You never used to — I can’t keep myself from thinking that if you still felt me your Heart’s Comrade7 you would let me share youra sorrows. You don’t know how you grip my heart — I would do anything, anything, to bring you happiness — I would throw up my career, or break with everybody else — even C.A. I think — if it could mend your life. But I sit here powerless, a quivering mass of pain, not thought worthy even to know your trouble; and when you are not gay, you keep away from me. I know it is my fault — I know all that you reproached me with when we came back from Lulworth. But O my Soul, I do love you so much and your pain is so dreadful to me — and it is much harder to be kept at a distance when you are miserable than when you are happy. If only you would cry in my arms, and tell me all, and let me stroke your hair, and perhaps at last you would fall asleep in my arms — and I should know that the Love of my life was not lost to me — But something keeps pulling you away from me, in spite of the love that I know you feel — I suppose it is because I have found fault with you in the past, and because sometimes I have let my own pain appear too much. But please don’t punish me for those things — I have no blame in my heart now, only infinite tenderness and yearning sympathy. Colette Darling, don’t, don’t let us grow apart. Nothing divides so much as sorrows not shared. I love you tenderly, like my own child, and without you my heart must die. Goodnight Beloved.

B —

• 1

  [document] Document 200572.

• 2

  [envelope] The Lady Constance Malleson | 6 Mecklenburgh Square | W.C.1. Pmk: BATTERSEA | 9.15 AM | 18 NOV 19

• 3

  [date] The letter was written on Monday evening,17 November, and posted the following morning.

• 4

  see you so unhappy See n.6 below.

• 5

  another operation like the one before Lynton An abortion which Colette had in December 1918.

• 6

  keep your troubles to yourself Colette’s troubles concerned her involvement with Lewis Casson. Naturally she was reluctant to discuss the situation with BR, whom she feared, based on what had happened in the past, would become extremely jealous. Casson’s wife, Sybil Thorndike, had been having an affair with another actor, Stanley Logan, with whom she acted in The Great Day. The play opened in mid-September at the Drury Lane and ran until 6 December 1919. Casson took up with Colette but before long told her that he still loved his wife, which Colette said hurt her terribly. It was not until late January 1920 that she told BR.

• 7

  Heart’s Comrade For use of this term, see BRACERS 19145, n.12.

Textual Notes

• a

  your BR must have meant to write “your” but actually wrote “you”.