BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, [27 JAN. 1919]
BRACERS 19421. ALS. McMaster
Edited by S. Turcon. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<train>1^, 2^, 3

<lines missing>
I am reallya not unhappy, quite the reverse. There is a thing that troubles me at times, more when I am with you than when I am away. Our troubles destroyed in me the sense of mental and spiritual companionship, which I have been hoping to recover gradually — It came back after Falmouth4 so it can come back again. In its absence, the physical side of things takes up a larger proportion than it otherwise would. My own belief is that things will come right with the spring. I shall then be able to do my share towards bringing them right, but now I have not enough energy. And I don’t know how to attempt it without seeming to preach — I don’t mean to preach at all — I hate writing like this — but I wish to feel again the sense of nearness in deep things that I used to feel — perhaps that is more than one ought to expect. I know I have been hateful in many ways — What I am saying now is not just a mood of the moment — it is what I usually feel — I have been trying to reason myself out of the feeling —

now we meetb across a gulf, as separate persons, instead of merging into one whole of love — What exists is still very good, and my whole happiness or unhappiness depends on it. But it is not the supreme thing, as it used to be. And I believe it may be again.

I shouldn’t say all this if I didn’t have great hope. I know that one of the chief obstacles is my habit of saying hurting things. That is one reason why I wish to keep out of the circumstances that lead me to say them. You have done wonders to revive things and Lynton5 did more than I thought possible — I am happy with you Beloved — it is not that — but what I call religion seems to have got left outside, and I long to have it brought in again. Bless you my dearest Love — All my life is bound up in you. And you are wonderfully kind and patient.

B

• 1

  [document] Document 200411. According to Colette this was written after BR got on the train in Goring to go back to Garsington. “His letter is not in the least violent in tone; but was, perhaps, a slightly depressing one to get after a time away together” (“Letters to Bertrand Russell from Constance Malleson, 1916–1969”, p. 312; ts. in RA).

• 2

  [envelope] The Lady Constance Malleson | 34 Russell Chambers | Bury Street | London W.C.1. Pmk: HIGH WYCOMBE | 28 17 | 19

• 3

  [date] Colette wrote on the envelope, “it was written 27th, but postmarked 28th”.

• 4

  Falmouth Colette had gone to Falmouth, Cornwall in January 1918 to continue her work on the film The Admirable Crichton; her work on this film had begun in mid-December 1917. While she was there, a severe crisis developed in their relationship.

• 5

  Lynton BR and Colette were joined by Clifford Allen at the Cottage Hotel for the Christmas season, 1918.

Textual Notes

• a

  I am really The text beginning “I am really” is written on a sheet of paper with the top 3 cm which contained text cut off.

• b

  now we meet The text beginning “now we meet” is written on the verso of the same sheet of paper beginning “I am really”.