Letter 58
BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, [1 AUG. 1918]
BRACERS 19339. AL. McMaster
Previous Brixton letter, BRACERS 18683; next letter, BRACERS 19340
Edited by K. Blackwell, A. Bone, N. Griffin and S. Turcon

<Brixton Prison>1
Thursday morning.2

My Heart’s Joy,

I am sorry I wrote such a worried letter.3 I didn’t know you need not answer Mr. Cubitt.4 And your letter that time was so very short. I thought that was because you were worried. One is all right here when worries keep off, but they are hard to get rid of when they fasten on one.

I am very happy now — full of new life and full of ideas about philosophy. I expect I shall do a lot of first-rate work this winter.

I can easily afford £20 spent on holiday.5 I should love the Rinders’6 if our nights can be free — if not, I should wish to go to Ashford first. I won’t hurt my brother’s feelings, but I am sure I can make things all right with him.

My lovely Darling, I am full of happiness now, really believing in our future — feeling very full of life and creativeness — and so filled with love. I keep thinking of all sorts of lovable ways and words you have. Forgive me Darling if sometimes I get worried, I really sometimes wear myself out with longing for you. I can hear your voice so very plainly — and feel your arms — and O my love I want to see you happy, happy, HAPPY.^a

Goodbye till Tuesday,^b my Dearest, my Joy, My Heart’s Comrade — I love you <with>^c all my soul and with all my strength.

Notes

• 1

  [document] The letter was edited from an unsigned quarter-sheet in BR’s hand in the Malleson papers in the Russell Archives.

• 2

  [date] Colette’s note reads: “This letter may be Thursday 1st August 1918. (But is perhaps Thursday 8 August.)”

• 3

  I wrote such a worried letter BR was responding to Colette’s letter of 26 July (BRACERS 113145). She wrote: “Beloved, yr last letters are so dreadfully full of worry. You mustn’t worry so. Please don’t.” Letter 45 concerned the Scotland Yard visit, which did worry BR.

• 4

  answer Mr. Cubitt For Mr. Cubitt, see note 5 to Letter 42. In Colette’s letter of Monday night (22 July 1918), she told him to stop worrying about the Scotland Yard episode (BRACERS 113144).

• 5

  easily afford £20 spent on holiday BR wrote a very similar sentence in a letter written the day before: “I can well afford £20 for holiday” (Letter 56). He wrote again because he was concerned that she did not receive the letter.

• 6

  the Rinders’ Miss Rinder offered her family’s cottage as a place to stay once BR left prison. Windmill Cottage was in Icklesham, near Winchelsea. Although not on the coast, it was not far away.

• a

  HAPPY BR printed the word in full caps and underlined it twice.

• b

  Tuesday Above deleted “Wednesday”.

• c

  <with> The corner of the sheet is missing where BR must have written this word and the first letter of “all”.