BR TO CONSTANCE MALLESON, 1 MAY 1917
BRACERS 19159. ALS. McMaster. SLBR 2: #289
Edited by S. Turcon and N. Griffin. Reviewed by K. Blackwell

<London?>
1 May 19171

My Darling Loved One

I am glad you were happy in the country — it was beautiful, and I was happy too.2

I am infinitely glad you wrote what you did about your “conception of what Life must be.”3 I don’t think there is much need to worry about the money4 and the clothes, because they will come inevitably before long. (I will talk about this another time, but I mean it quite seriously and literally.)5 But work is a more serious matter. I hope with all my soul that you will soon have success on the stage and get a job — but — if you don’t, if that ambition has to fade, you will have to pick up your life and put your spirit into something else.

There is a sort of alchemy of defeat that one has to learn: how to turn defeat into victory — Think of Allen:6 imagine what goes on in his mind as he finds his body growing feebler and his intellect less alert, as he realizes that the world is passing on and forgetting him, as it slowly comes to him that perhaps here, in his prison cell, is the end of his ambitions and his hopes, the sum and conclusion of all that he will ever have done for the world. How do you feel one would deal with a fate like that? There is really only one way, and it is the way we must all come to sooner or later: to live by love, to care really and profoundly for others more than for oneself. There is no other way through the abysses of life. I have been down into the depths not once, but several times — I know how the world looks when all personal hope is dead, and there seems nothing at all in one’s future but pain and weariness. In those moments love has come to my rescue — love of all mankind, profound longing to help, to help many if possible, but a few in any case. The faith of those moments fades away again gradually, but it remains dimly in the background, and it really does inspire one’s life — It was the faith of those times that came upon me when the war broke out. It is that that is coming to Allen, and it is that that makes all men love him wherever he goes.

I know you believe in love as an abstract doctrine, but I want you to feel it as an active principle. The world is full of things, valuable and important things, that you could do for mankind — political, revolutionary things, as well as helping particular people. I want you to feel in your bones that a useful life is a life worth living: you will feel that if you have enough active love.

In the winter, I lost all active love for mankind, and I sank into despair — but love came back, and life became tolerable again.

One must not be unbending in outward things, but only in the springs of one’s life. And without love one cannot live a good life. You are allowing yourself to be conquered by Fear — fear of personal failure — But personal success is not the thing to live for. Think of the immensity of the world and the vastness of human suffering.

O my dearest, I love you with a consuming love — I longa for you to be happy and to grow to your full spiritual growth. There is still a long development ahead of you, and much pain — I can’t save you from it, I suffer because I can’t — Goodbye, my life, my Soul — Be courageous, and be great. You can be.b

B.

• 1

  [document] Document 200135.

• 2

  you were happy in the country… I was happy too Colette had been staying at her mother’s house at Cox Green, Berks. BR had been staying with the Morrells at their country home, Garsington Manor. Bertie must have visited her there, though there is no other reference to his visit.

• 3

  “conception of what Life must be.” In her letter of 30 April 1917, Colette wrote: “Don’t you know how one has had, ever since schooldays, a conception of what Life must be? And life without work seems to me not worth having” (BRACERS 113014). Colette’s work was acting and she had had difficulty finding work, perhaps because of her active involvement in the No-Conscription Fellowship.

• 4

  the money Colette refused his offer of help, writing on 2 May that “you are on no account to sell your debentures for me” (BRACERS 113017).

• 5

  (I will talk about this another time, but I mean it quite seriously and literally.) BR intended to give her some of his debentures. Colette refused them on 2 May: “I’ll never forget your dearness, but I shall never forgive you if you don’t obey” (BRACERS 113017).

• 6

  Allen (Reginald) Clifford Allen (1889–1939). For further information on him, see BRACERS 19046, n.4.

Textual Notes

• a

  long “long” is underlined four times in one continuous stroke.

• b

  You can be “You can be” is underlined three times in one continuous stroke.