BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [30 JUNE 1913]
BRACERS 17964. ALS. Morrell papers #824, Texas. SLBR 1: #211
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by A. Duncan and K. Blackwell

Monday mg.1

My Darling,

Your letter of Sat. night and Sunday has come. I think we ought to meet once more at least — I should not like the end to have been that flaming horror. I failed, as I constantly do, in reverence towards love — today that would not be so, and I could promise not to be too emotional. But if you feel you would rather not come again, don’t fancy it will make things any harder for me. I am very sorry I worried you about Mrs W. — I hadn’t the slightest wish to urge you to see her. — When I said I had lied to you, that was almost too strong — I had given you surface truth instead of fundamental truth, hoping the fundamental truth would change. What has just turned the scale has been the realization that you would never give anyone the sort of love that would make me happy, and that it is not only my bad behaviour that prevents me from getting more. But I can’t make any final decision while my nerves are so queer — it is good of you to say I needn’t. The only thing clear to me is that the physical relation ought to cease. And there is some subtle unreality about my desires in that way now — they are so very largely not desires for the thing itself, but for a state of mind in you; and in the absence of the state of mind in you, the direct physical desire does not exist in its proper form. I have only just understood this; it has been true for a year.

I have a feeling of disloyalty in talking things over with Mrs W. I think we must make our own decision, and then I can merely tell her. — My feeling today is that if the physical side were cut away all would be well, and much better than if there had never been anything physical.

Do exactly what you think best about coming this afternoon. It won’t upset me if you came, more yet if you don’t. I should like to say I mind the pain I am causing you, but I can’t truthfully — I don’t mind everything at all as yet. I suppose you are very ill and tired. But it all seems to me as if it were happening to people in a book. Goodbye.

Your
B

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  [document] Document 000824. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.