BRACERS Record Detail for 17955
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BR having very bad time:
"... I have had much to try me lately. Wittgenstein's attack—the difficulty of getting my lectures done—the Whiteheads' troubles—also a recurrence of what was troubling me St. Paul's day—also, for purely unselfish reasons, an imperative need to make money."
BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [27 JUNE 1913]
BRACERS 17955. ALS. Morrell papers #816, Texas. SLBR 1: #209
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by A. Duncan and K. Blackwell
This can only be one line in haste to say I am sorry, but I will try again. I mind the way I behave quite terribly. But don’t think of me as reduced to a dangerous despair. I think we ought not to meet while my nerves are so overwrought. It is a great nervous strain, and it leads to my breaking down, which is bad for both. A few more scenes like today would put an end to things. I think I had better go back to Cambridge and not see you till I have myself more under control. It wears you out and makes me feel almost too ashamed to go on living. Perhaps when I feel saner you could come there for the day? It wouldn’t matter in Vacation time. Don’t think there is anything to hurt you in my going away — only a necessity to get myself under control. I have burnt the letter you left here.3 You didn’t say if you were going to Southwold and if I should accept Lucy’s4 plan of staying near and meeting you. I should like that if you would. I don’t see the future at all clear tonight. I can’t tell you how despicable I feel. But I have had much to try me lately. Wittgenstein’s attack — the difficulty of getting my lectures done — the Whiteheads’ troubles5 — also a recurrence of what was troubling me the St. Paul’s day — also, for purely unselfish reasons, an imperative need to make money.6 And my nature is easily depressed. The result has been that doing my work and not committing suicide seemed as much moral effort as I could make. But I must get myself in hand, and I will. Till then I am not fit for you to associate with. It is an intolerable curse to have a capacity for creative work. But really I am not quite and altogether a beast, tho’ my behaviour to you looks like it. I really am better in other ways. Now the post is going. I love you out of hell — but I was infinitely more unhappy before I knew you. I bless the ground you walk on and the air you breathe.
Your
B
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[document] Document 000816. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.
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[envelope] A circled “816”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | Black Hall | Oxford. Pmk: LONDON. W.C. 37 | 7.45 PM | JU 27 | 13 <A note on the envelope states: “2 letters here | one is perhaps | the missing 818?” There are not two letters preceding this envelope.>
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letter you left here BR dated Ottoline’s letters, which tended to be undated by her. He kept none from her dated 24–26 June 1913.
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Lucy’s Lucy Silcox.
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Whiteheads’ troubles Whitehead had been quite seriously ill with flu.
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need to make money Russell by now had no liquid capital. Not only that, but his bank account was often seriously overdrawn.