BRACERS Record Detail for 17954
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"Sunday aft. My Darling Darling Love—I am sitting out by the Ouse, in a very lonely spot where I have sometimes been with Goldie—I hear the wind in the grass, many larks, and sometimes a cuckoo."
[Continues] "Late evg." [River Ouse]
BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [22 JUNE 1913]
BRACERS 17954. ALS. Morrell papers #815, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell et al.
My Darling Darling Love
I am sitting out by the Ouse, in a very lovely spot where I have sometimes been with Goldie — I hear the wind in the grass, many larks, and sometimes a cuckoo — It is Nature joyous and peaceful — I have been letting its peace sink into me, feeling much in tune with it. Sometimes peaceful things madden me — today I can be one with them, because you have been so divinely good to me these days. Your two dear letters reached me together this morning. The first of them I quite understand. Another time, when a thing has no value at all and merely ought to stop, I will stop it without saying anything, if you prefer that. I did not feel exactly a wrong to you, but a wrong in itself — lust was the motive power, as I should have known if I had not been in a mood of self-deception. It is shame that makes me unwilling to speak about it; but some degree of confession is necessary — at least I feel it so — to purge myself and regain a sense of inward cleanliness. My reason sees little harm, but something I trust more sees much harm. Forgive me all this Dearest. It is quite a mistake to feel I was shutting you out — It is all over now.
Your 2nd letter is very dear. Yes, time will get me over old hurts. I shan’t be at all suspicious of you Dearest these coming days — that you may rely on. I feel too we shall have wonderful days — my love and trust are very living. The conquest of instinct in regard to P. was all but beyond my powers, and it left me rather warped. But that too time and good will can overcome.
Now there is a thunderstorm coming. I must get home and finish tonight. My utmost love is with you Darling.
Late evening. There have been people here who have only just gone and now I have only one moment before the post. I paid Jourdain a long visit on my way home, which I enjoyed. You haven’t told me about your visit, whether it has been nice, or how Miss Sands is or about Garsington. I come back tomorrow, bicycling mostly.
I feel extraordinarily happy tonight — so full of love, and realization of all you are. Your goodness and gentleness to me are quite wonderful — I can’t say the thousandth part of what I feel about it. Dear dear Heart I love you love you love you. Goodnight
Your
B
