BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [19 JUNE 1913]
BRACERS 17950. ALS. Morrell papers #811, Texas. SLBR 1: #208
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by A. Duncan and K. Blackwell

Thursday night.1^, 2

My Darling

Here I am back from Tagore’s lecture,3 after walking most of the way home. It was incredible rubbish — cut-and-dried conventional stuff about the river becoming one with the Ocean and man becoming one with Brahma. Everybody thought themselves so earnest and had a look of fat spiritual exaltation. The man is sincere and in earnest, but merely rattling old dry bones. I spoke to him before the lecture — afterwards I avoided him. I had some talk with Mrs Shaw4 whom I like; Mrs Rothenstein5 was there, looking very unattractive; Sturge Moore,6 looking rapt — otherwise no one I knew except a black I had met at Cambridge.

All that has gone wrong with me lately comes from Wittgenstein’s attack on my work — I have only just realized this. It was very difficult to be honest about it, as it makes a large part of the book I meant to write impossible for years to come probably. I tried to believe it wasn’t so bad as that — then I felt I hadn’t made enough effort over my work and must concentrate more severely — some instinct associated this with a withdrawal from you. And the failure of honesty over my work — which was very slight and subtle, more an attitude than anything definite — spread poison in every direction. I am pure in heart again now, thanks to your divine gentleness and long-suffering. And so my love goes out freely to you again. I must be much sunk — it is the first time in my life that I have failed in honesty over work. I have been creeping back towards a better frame of mind all these weeks, but have only really achieved it today. Only yesterday I felt ready for suicide — tonight I feel gay and happy — certainly honesty is the best policy. I am sorry you found me so unsympathetic — I was in profound spiritual trouble, and I feared love was leaving me. I didn’t really know what was the matter. As long as the talk was not about what was troubling me, it seemed unreal and external. The disgust of human life that I have been feeling lately is generally a sign of unrecognized sin.

When you feel as if I didn’t want to listen to you, do please not feel snubbed but persist — My mind is so slow in passing to a new topic, that I often say something I had planned to say, after you have begun saying something else, and before I have taken in what you say. This is not lack of interest, but mere inertia, from the habit of getting immersed in a topic that I get in work. And I will try not to notice your unintentional snubs. All you told me about Vittoz today interested me enormously, and I agreed with everything. — It is such a help to me when you will tell me what you have to complain of — it is so baffling when you won’t.

Goodnight my Darling. I feel as if you had called me back to you from beyond the grave —

Your
B.

• 1

  [document] Document 000811. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “811”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | 44 Bedford Square | W.C. Pmk: 2. — AM | 30 JUN 13D

• 3

  Tagore’s lecture He spoke on “The Education of Indian Women” to the Indian Women’s Education Association.

• 4

  Mrs Shaw Charlotte Payne-Townshend (1856–1943), a Fabian whom Shaw married in 1898.

• 5

  Mrs Rothenstein Alice Rothenstein, née Knewstub (1867–1957), actress and the wife of William Rothenstein (1872–1945), the artist and old friend of BR’s. He corresponded with her earlier in the month.

• 6

  Sturge Moore Thomas Sturge Moore (1870–1944), G.E. Moore’s brother. He was a poet, art historian, and graphic artist, but best known for his poetry which Yeats, a close friend, admired.