BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [15 DEC. 1911]
BRACERS 17377. ALS. Morrell papers #288, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell et al.

Friday mg.1^, 2

My Darling

It is such heaven to be with you, it seemed all but impossible to go away today. I can’t tell you the passionate yearning of my whole being to you — just reaching out like a thirsty soul for water in the desert. It is a great deep overwhelming instinct that makes me reach out to you — something so deep that there is nothing else deeper — and so instinctive that it seems to live its own life quite apart from my conscious existence. It is my main purpose in life and also my hunger for happiness and peace that urge me to you. I really don’t blame myself for having at first tried to get you altogether — my whole being was involved so much — I should do the same again if there were any chance of your conscience inwardly and genuinely asserting.

Darling I wonder if you really know the force of my love. I generally try to keep it down in expression — I don’t quite know why. I always want to be swayed by reason and to be calm and unselfish — but that is not really the deepest thing — at bottom I have a sort of fierceness — some kind of burning boiling rage — I don’t know how to put it — the sort of thing that would make me, if I could, tear the whole universe to tatters and begin again from the beginning. Whatever reasonableness I have is only plastered on the top of that. My love for you belongs with the fierce part of me. That is why it has nothing to do with wanting your happiness — I may want your happiness as I want other people’s, from common kindliness, but not from love. My love would be more profoundly satisfied if you were burnt at the stake than if you were happy in a common way.

Goodbye Dearest Heart. Now I am going for a long walk.

Your
B

I assume I come to you tomorrow 11.15, not you to me, unless you write to the contrary.a

• 1

  [document] Document 000288. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “288”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | 44 Bedford Sq. | W.C.

Textual Notes

• a

  I assume … contrary. editorially moved from head of letter