BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [21 JULY 1911]
BRACERS 17234. ALS. Morrell papers #154, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell et al.

In train to Cambridge.1^, 2
Friday night

My Dearest Dearest

I didn’t begin writing soon enough so I had to finish in a hurry — I finished my letter in Paddington waiting room when we met the day I came from Marlborough and we saw the aeroplane. It was full of couples using it for a similar purpose. I shall get to Cambridge a little before nine and dine there. As soon as I have dined I shall go to bed — Tomorrow I lecture 9.30 to 10.30 — then I shall have letters and business — then I shall pay calls and then I shall dine in Hall and probably spend the evening talking — the sort of intellectual sawdust that is liked in Cambridge — You would be disgusted if you heard me talking it as if it was just what I loved best — I do enjoy it really — it gives my emotions a rest. It is a form of frivolity that does no harm — and I need frivolity as much as you need sleep —

I am so grateful when you tell me things in your life, and I cannot say how much I love telling you what I can of my own life. The moment of my first conversion was this way: I came to know suddenly (what it was not intended I should know) that a woman whom I liked greatly had a life of utter loneliness, filled with intense tragedy and pain of which she could never speak. I was not free to tell my sympathy, which was so intense as to change my life. I turned to all the ways there might be of alleviating her trouble without seeming to know it, and so I went on in thought to loneliness in general, and how only love bridges the chasm — how force is the evil thing, and strife is the root of all evil, and gentleness is the only balm. I became infinitely gentle for a time. I turned against the S. African war and imperialism (I was an imperialist till then) and I found that I loved children and they loved me. I resolved to bring some good and some hope into her life. All this happened in about five minutes. In spite of many faults and many backslidings I succeeded on the whole in what I undertook then. When I told her of you, she bade me remember that she is permanently better and happier owing to me. But it took me rather more than a year to acquiesce in her pain and to learn to love the cause of it, though he deserves much love. It was during that year I learnt whatever wisdom I possessed before meeting you. But when I met you, it had been fading for some time and I had begun to grow incapable of living with so much pain. I have been extraordinarily fortunate in being saved by others from my own possibilities of evil — I think they have now grown very shadowy and slight.

It is very beautiful this evening — full of peace — I too am full of peace. Tonight I can see your face — as I see it it has an infinite sadness and an infinite pity. It is much more difficult to me to see your face happy or gay.

I shall always remember the wood we walked through in the twilight on Tuesday — the beauty and solemnity of that moment were overpowering.

Goodnight my soul. I love in you the embodiment of all that I love in the world.

Your
B.

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  [document] Document 000154. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

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  [envelope] ??.