BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [15 APR. 1911]
BRACERS 17097. ALS. Morrell papers #32B, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell and A.G. Bone

Fernhurst1
Sat. night

My Ottoline

I have been sitting reading over your letters — they are wonderful letters. I feel that whatever the future may have in store, our love has made our lives worth all the pain that has made us capable of such love. It has taken a good deal of battering from fate to make me submissive — I used to rebel in indignation when things were not absolutely as I could wish. I overcame indignation suddenly once when I looked out at the dawn after a night entirely without sleep. It seemed so full of peace, and so much greater than my private life. And for some reason indignation against people left me too — I feel it occasionally, but less and less — generally I feel simply that they could not have done otherwise. — You say the sense of being useful ought to keep me from pessimism, but it has not always worked that way. I have such a sense that after doing one’s utmost one is still an unprofitable servant, such a feeling that the hours and the shillings one spends in pursuing one’s own happiness or one’s own pleasures are stolen from those who need one’s time and one’s money, that it becomes an oppression, and I long to escape from the burden, and get a holiday somehow from the responsibility and the fatigue. Most ways in which that can be done work ultimately the other way. But I should never have any scruples about our love — it seems to be such an inspiration that it enhances immensely what one can do for others.

I shall hope your Monday’s letter will go to Southampton. If I come at 1.48, I shall have lunched in the train — I won’t waste the first moments of my arrival on eating. Dearest, I do hope your cold is getting better. Oh how I long for you! It seems such a long long time since I saw you last. I feel a whole world of love that cannot be expressed without a kiss. It is strange how very spiritual physical things are where love is deep. — Goodbye my Dearest, Dearest. I love you, I love you.

B.

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  [document] Document 000032B. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.