BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [30 MAR. 1911]
BRACERS 17065. ALS. Morrell papers #11, Texas. SLBR 1: #162
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by K. Blackwell and A.G. Bone

<letterhead>
Seventeen,
Carlyle Square,
Chelsea, S.W.1^, 2

Dearest my whole soul is flooded with joy — your radiance shines before me, and I feel still your arms about me and your kiss on my lips. You have become to me something holy: my touch will be gentle because I reverence you. Our love shall be always sacred, and I will give you a devotion worthy even of you. You have released in me imprisoned voices that sing the beauty of the world — all the poetry that grows dumb in the years of sorrow has begun to speak to me again.

Later (I was interrupted.) I would not for the world not have had the dear letter you gave me when you went away today. But indeed I do not deserve what you give me. All that is good in me comes of reverence, but where I find no occasion for reverence I sink below what you will ever know — at least I have done so in the past. I too thought you self-sufficing — that is why no thought of love came to me sooner. I did not know I loved you till I heard myself telling you so — for one instant I thought “Good God what have I said?” and then I knew it was the truth. My heart spoke before my brain knew — and then love swept me on in a great flood and lifted me to the heights. It is strange to have been sure so quickly, but I knew at once that I could give you everything that my nature is capable of. It still seems to me strange that you should love me.

Dearest, I will accept whatever of your time you feel you can rightly give, and I will not ask for more. The inward union is so deep and real that today I feel as if nothing else really mattered — but of course it will be harder when the days have gone by and your voice and your face are less vivid to me. I must have your picture3 — otherwise the image of you will not remain clear in my mind.

Today is such a contrast to yesterday — I had quite made up my mind that we must part. Even if we had parted, you would have given me a deep peace which would have survived all the pain. As it is, I have that and happiness as well.

I have gone back to reading poetry, which I had not read for many years. I suppose there is no poet you don’t possess, or I would give him to you. I want to give you something, but I feel you have everything. I have been ascetic and starved my love of beauty, because I could not live otherwise the life I had to live. Now all that is over. I cannot write more tonight. Goodbye, my heart. I am yours, yours utterly.

B.

Don’t address here after tomorrow morning. I go back to Fernhursta early Saturday, and come back Monday to Wed. Tuesday we have an Adult Suffrage Conference with some M.P’s at the House.4 If you think there is any likelihood of my meeting Philip I suppose I had better stay away.

• 1

  [document] Document 000011. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “11”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | 44 Bedford Square | W.C. Pmk: CHELSEA.S.W. | 12? | AM | 31 | MAR | 1911

• 3

  your picture BR thanks her for a photo next day in letter 000012, record 17066.

• 4

  Adult Suffrage Conference with some M.P’s at the House Presumably the aim was to muster support for an adult-suffrage amendment to the Conciliation bill then before Parliament. This was a private member’s bill, so-called because it had been proposed by an all-party Conciliation Committee designed to resolve the suffrage issue.

Textual Notes

• a

  Fernhurst written over false start Ca for Cambridge.