BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [28 MAR. 1911]
BRACERS 17063. ALS. Morrell papers #9, Texas
Proofread by K. Blackwell and A.G. Bone

<letterhead>
Seventeen,
Carlyle Square,
Chelsea, S.W.
Tuesday night1^, 2

My Dearest

I have talked and talked, but still I don’t see clearly. The only thing I know is that I love you, that I don’t see how I shall be able to go on if we part, and that our love is too great a thing to me for me to be willing that anything should sully it even in the slightest. Rather than that I would incur any disaster. I dread my nature — I can do much with it in many ways, but where passion comes in it is difficult. I will not put myself where hatred would come to me, and I will not let its poison come into our lives. If I can overcome that, or if you can cease to share a room with him, all will be well. If not, it will be better to part. It is religion to me not to hate, but to love — but my nature is not as I could have wished it to be. I must have time to think and know. I feel that if I see you now, love will conquer me — that is what I meant by becoming your slave. If I can feel rightly before seeing you, all will be well. But I dare not, I dare not see you now — I want you too much. Oh if you could but do this one thing. I fear my brutal instincts disgust you, and will kill your love — but oh bear with me, Dearest — I am in misery and I want you, and it is all but beyond my power to keep away. I am glad you have seen Mrs Whitehead — I have made her understand what I feel, and that may help. But for a long time she only saw your side. Dearest I will struggle to leave you your liberty — I began badly, but I value liberty and I do wish to respect it. I think I could. I entirely understand your unwillingness to leave Philip altogether, and I acquiesce in it. I don’t despise your work but quite the contrary.a I have been selfish. It is easy to renounce, but passionate love is apt to die when one renounces — at least I fear it would be so with me. I long for your arms and your kiss. Dearest if I loved you less all would be well. But now all is torture. I must hope, and you must bear with me. Forgive me the pain I cause you. Goodbye Beloved.

• 1

  [document] Document 000009. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “9”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | 44 Bedford Square | W.C. Pmk: CHELSEA S. W. | 1100 | AM | 29 MAR | 1911. On the verso: LONDON.W.C | 1.30 PM | MR 29 | 11; also LONDON W.C | 230 PM | MR 29 | 11

Textual Notes

• a

  I don’t … contrary. Inserted.