BR TO OTTOLINE MORRELL, [28 MAR. 1911]
BRACERS 17062. ALS. Morrell papers #8, Texas. SLBR 1: #160
Edited by N. Griffin. Proofread by K. Blackwell and A.G. Bone

In the train <to London>,
Tuesday afternoon1^, 2

My Dearest Dearest

Your letter is very persuasive — I have been very much to blame, and going all against my code, in making it a conflict of wills. I must come back to reason — but it is hard. What you ask me to accept is very difficult — and it is curious that you do not know how difficult. Curious also that after being told Philip should wish to go on on the same terms as hitherto. The situation is one I have not known of before in any case I have ever heard of, and it takes time to understand. The thing I find really unintelligible is why, things being as they are, you attach so much importance to continuing to sleep with him. If I understood that, things might be better. Would you not feel it if I continued to sleep with Alys? But I am quite willing to believe I ought not to mind. The question is whether I can learn not to mind without my love being chilled, and whether, further, I can believe that you do right. All I ask is that he should not share your room. Try to make me understand why it is important he should. Till I do, I shall be liable to a sudden chill which would be horrible to us both. You need not be afraid I shall break suddenly or violently. But when I am with you it is so hard to think. And I might agree to what would be beyond my strength. Of course I shall not be degraded by anything my reason acquiesces in. But what you propose seems to me, so far, somehow unclean. I have not myself avoided acts which were really bad, which have filled me with a shame that drove me to the verge of suicide. But I will not let shame come between you and me, and I must understand to acquiesce. Till I understand, I shall not have that mental union with you which is necessary to love. That is why I should be degraded. It is all very difficult. I am very willing to be convinced I am wrong; but I must be able to think of it without feeling the chill it gives me now. I can see with my intellect the point of view from which what you wish is noble and right, anda I dare say I should have advocated just such a course in another case. But it is not as yet what I feel.

The enclosed telegram suddenly summoned me to 17 Carlyle Square Chelsea,3 where I shall be tonight and tomorrow morning. But I would rather not see you tomorrow — I must think more first — a few days more at any rate. How could you suppose Mrs Whitehead could put me against you? In the first place no human being could, and in the second place she would not wish to. She has written a line quite approving of it, and whatever you may think she does like and admire you. I must necessarily see a lot of Whitehead until the printing of our joint book is finished, which will be another year or 18 months. We have worked together since 1900, and before that he was first my teacher and then a very helpful critic. I owe a very great deal to him and have a strong affection for him. But I do not ask you to do anything you would rather not do. Only it seems rather a pity.

I cannot write as I should wish while things are as they are. I feel that there must be no conflict before I can write otherwise. I fear it is my nature that is poor. I will try to conquer it. If I can, I dare say all may be well. But it is dangerous to try to force one’s instincts by the use of reason — it leads to insincerity, and ultimately the instincts rebel and there is tragedyb.

But oh I am hungry for you — Such happiness so near, and such a slender obstacle. My belief, based on what you have told me, is that he would not mind separate rooms. Could you not try to find out if it is so? Oh Ottoline I do long to take and give. We shall have to try whether things can be managed your way, if you are obdurate. But I cannot answer for the result. — I shall return to Fernhurst tomorrow afternoon. It is impossible for us to meet there. But I can come anywhere. Goodbye goodbye.

B.

• 1

  [document] Document 000008. Proofread against a colour scan of the original.

• 2

  [envelope] A circled “8”. The Lady Ottoline Morrell | 44 Bedford Square | London W.C. Pmk: CHELSEA. S. W. | 730 | PM | 28 | MAR | 1911. The verso of the envelope has a set of jottings in Ottoline’s hand about her relationship with her husband and BR.

• 3

  17 Carlyle Square Chelsea The Whiteheads’ new home in London. Whitehead had resigned from Cambridge in 1910 and moved to London, where he eventually obtained a professorship at University College. The telegram was presumably in response to BR’s letter to them from Fernhurst, as mentioned in his letter to Ottoline of 25 March 1911.

Textual Notes

• a

  and after deleted but

• btragedy written over indecipherable start